TOMORROWLAND: Co-starring the lone bottle of Canadian Club left on the counter of Betty’s kitchen

"Marry me Glen. Can't you see that I love you!"

10:01:        Don: “I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.” (Me too! It’s the finale!)

10:02:        Faye to Don: “Take your head out of your ass; I mean past.”

10:03:        Joan pushing a file cart???? Wait, Lane gives Joan a promotion to “Director of Agency Operations.” Sorry, title only, no money. Thanks for nothing Lane!

10:04:        Is the Cancer Society Board of Directors drinking Bloody Mary’s? Call A.A.

10:05:        Don comes back from meeting. Roger, “Did you get cancer?”

10:06:        Pete: “Don and I think it best if we approach it from the rear.” Speaking of rears, bring in that ass Ken Cosgrove. “Isn’t your f-i-l at Dow? Let’s have a foursome.”

10:07:        Cosgrove: “I’m not a high-priced whore like Pete!”

10:08:        Roger to Cosgrove: “If you want to tuck it between your legs I’ll call.” The old Roger’s Back!

10:09:        Moving to Rye? Speaking of Rye, I can use one on the rocks with soda.

                   Uh-oh. Betty’s home! And she’s ready to fight with her 11-year old ex-lover Glen.

10:10:        BETTY CANNED CARLA???? “Who’s watching your kids? Are your children all doctors and lawyers?” Carla, just gut her like a fish!

10:11:        Don’s accountant tells him he has a harvest--go plant some seeds. Those words would never come out of my accountant’s mouth…if I had an accountant.

10:12:        Betty to Don, “I canned Carla. Handle it. I have the kids 90% of the time!” No, Carla had the kids 90% of the time you self indulgent bitch!

10:13:        Harry sniffs out a lesbian and her hot friend in the office. Joyce is just aching to kick him in the nuts.

10:14:        Commercial Break

10:17:        Don doubles Megan’s salary to babysit the kids at Disneyland. “Sally loves you, Bobby loves a pretty face, the baby—screw him, and I can bang you every night.” How can a girl say no to Dick?

10:18:        Swank hotel! Nice pool.

10:19:        Megan teaches the kids French?!? Dick wants to French.

10:20:        Don to Megan: “You’re like Maria Von Trapp. Just call me Captain Von Trapp because your hills are alive Baby!”

10:21:        Kids visit Anna’s house where Don tells Sally he’s a Dick sometimes. Sally shrugs because Betty tells Sally he’s a Dick all the time.

10:22:        Dick with a ring.

10:23:        Did Don just cannonball into the pool? And check out his JC Penny trunks! (Note to Matt Weiner: Where are the swim caps in the pool? If memory serves, and I’m not that drunk yet, you couldn’t dip a toe in the pool without a cap!)

10:24:        Megan and French college roommate on their way to Whiskey–a-Go-Go. Wow, can Don prolong his stare on their asses any longer?

10:25:        Commercial Break

10:28:        Henry with a long neck waiting to break Betty’s scarfed neck about Carla.

10:29:        NO LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FOR CARLA??? BETTY YOU BITCH!!!!

10:30:        Dick’s knocking on Megan’s door. “I want to go over the map to Disneyland—naked.”

10:31:        Megan’s friend is in “Hogan’s Heroes???” Fraulein Hilda? Helga? Which one????

10:32:        Megan: “Are you sure we should do this?”

                   Don: “I’ve paid for you through Friday.”

                   And look how comfortable Betty is sleeping in Sally’s room—she can be the little girl she’s aching to be again. And date Glen.

10:33:        Megan & Don’s pillow talk “I know who you are now.”

                   “Yes, Megan. I’m a Dick.”

10:34:        Dick wants to come again in Megan’s room tomorrow.

10:35:        Peggy and Cosgrove pitch pantyhose.

                   Peggy: “I put them on every morning.”

                   Cosgrove: “I only know how to take them off.”

10:36:        Peggy seals the panty-hose deal. Cosgrove will get the credit, of course.

10:37:        Commercial Break

10:41:        Megan wakes up with her nightgown on? Hmmm…

                   “Megan, I feel like my real self (a real Dick) when I’m with you.”

10:42:        Don’s in LOVE? Engagement ring???? Faye’s underworld connections are going to whack Don!

10:43:        Don waxes philosophic, but not floors—he lost the Glo-Coat account.

10:44:        Megan: “What about work Don?” Oh Megan, I don’t think you have to worry about work ever again.

10:45:        Don to partners: “Miss Colvert and I are getting married.”

                   Roger: “Who the hell’s that? Let’s have a toast! Megan can you get us some ice?” (ROGER I LOVE YOU!)

                   Lane is happy—one less head on payroll.

10:46:        Check out Peggy’s pout when she sees Don & Megan kissing. See her face contort when Don tells her they’re getting married. AWKWARD!

10:47:        Don’s ecstatic that the firm’s losing streak has been broken—now if only his relationship with Faye could be broken as easily, and by Peggy.

Don to Peggy: “Megan reminds me of you. She has that same spark.” Peggy, come on! Pull a Marlon Brando and slap him in the face and shout, “You can act like a man!”

10:48:        Megan: “It’s Dr. Miller. Again.” You know Megan can’t wait for Faye to find out!

                   Peggy & Joan commiserate about Don’s engagement: “They’re all just between marriages!” Look at Peggy’s head implode when Joan tells her Don will probably make Megan copy editor.

10:49:        Commercial Break

10:51:        Here comes the break-up phone call to Faye!

10:52:        Don: “Hi! I got you a Mickey Mouse hat and my secretary an engagement ring. Okay, gotta go. Bye!” Come on Faye, you sucked with Sally and Megan’s Maria Von Trapp with a great rack—do I have to analyze this for you? Madonna/whore? You’ll get my bill in the mail.

10:53:        Joan confirms she’s pregnant!

                   Joan to Dr. Mr. Joan: “Yes, they’re bigger. But you’re the bigger fool for thinking it’s yours. Do the math! It’s Roger’s mug-sex-baby!”

10:54:        Betty in kitchen. Lipstick, powder, stalling. Oh, hi Don!

10:55:        Betty’s trying to snare Don. “Don, things aren’t perfect!” Love Don’s slight smirk at this one.

10:56:        Bubble over Don’s head as Betty drones on and he pours a whiskey, “You’re not my problem anymore!”

10:57         “By the way Bets, I’m engaged.” Note Betty’s crazy eyes. Thank God the knives have already been packed!

10:58:        Somebody answer the friggin’ door! That bell is driving me crazy!

                   Nice fade out on lone bottle of Canadian Club. Through it all, the bottle always stands strong!

10:59:        SONNY & CHER as credits roll! CLASSIC ENDING!

Well kids, that does it for me. Thanks for tuning in to these weekly recaps. I had so much fun writing them and I loved the feedback. Until next season—mix a drink, smoke a cigarette, and get ready for next season—one year closer to Woodstock!

BLOWING SMOKE, OR SCRAMBLED EXECS

Note: This episode was directed by John Slattery (aka Roger Sterling) and had its Roger moments when everyone was eavesdropping through the wall to hear the partners meeting.

10:01:        Heinz: For everything turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn. A time for beans, a time for ketchup.

10:02:        Pickles are funny, and so is SCDP. No beans for you—we don’t know if your firm will be around in 6 months.

10:03:        “Don, (you’re so desperate) I bet I can get a date with your mother!”

10:04:        Dinner with Betty: Weiners! (Note: no vegetables—just wieners. Mom’s had it so easy back then! And, BTW, for godsakes Betty, rip that spoon out of Baby #3’s hand! He’s giving me a headache.)

10:05:        Don, you’re a certain kinda girl and cigarettes are your ideal boyfriend. In other words, you’re a whore Don.

10:06:        Kudos Roger for your great direction: Nice fast-paced behind-closed doors vignettes of worry. Roger’s mod mid-60’s Rorschach blobs on his wall; Ken’s nice cultural reference to Barefoot in the Park; Pete sweating finances with Lane; and Harry’s quintessential “What about me?”

10:07:        Faye and Don—a platonic office handshake with a wink and a smile.

10:08:        Sally tempted with cigarettes by Betty’s ex-lover-turned-pee-wee-football-jock, Glenn.

10:09:        Whoa! Bohemian Midge from season 1!

10:10:        Midge is married in an experimental 1960’s open marriage.

10:11:        Sally’s “A Few Good Men” speech to Shrink. “She doesn’t care what the truth is as long as I do what she says. Go Fish.” (She couldn’t handle the truth!)

10:12:        COMMERCIAL BREAK

10:15:        Midge’s downtown artist’s den.

10:16:        Midge’s pimp, I mean husband, selling high art to Don. Or is he selling art high to Don?

10:17:        Moment of Truth: Midge tracked Don down for dough.

10:18:        Don buys dinner, also known as the next score.

10:19:        ENTER HEROIN & the line of the season: “It’s like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits.”        

10:20:        Painting #4—cash only please. My dealer doesn’t take checks.

10:21:        Don has no dough for a cab—hoofing it across Washington Square Park with Painting #4.

10:22:        Betty & Sally’s Shrink: “He was so dismissive; he reminds me of Don.” OOH—I want more sessions with Betty!

10:23:        Petulant Betty doesn’t want to see an adult psychiatrist, she feels more comfortable with a child psychiatrist. Hmmm…

10:24:        COMMERCIAL BREAK

10:27:        Don WTF? Mr. Mumbles?

10:28:        Phillip Morris cancels with SCDP—suits in the panic room.

10:29:        Second best line of the season by Burt Cooper, “Roger you’re an asshole; Mr. Crane OUT!”

10:30:        Eavesdropping on the partners—ears to the wall.

10:31:        Sally’s view of eternity: the Land O’ Lakes Indian Girl sitting on a box, holding a box with an Indian on the box holding a box, ad infinitum….She is so ready for an acid trip to Woodstock.

10:32:        Pete panics: “$50,000! Eee-gads! I don’t have that kind of money!”

10:33:        Peggy’s the only cool cucumber and throws Don’s sage advice in his face, “Change the conversation.”

10:34:        COMMERCIAL BREAK

10:37:        Pete has a surprise for Trudy, but it’s not that house in Greenwich she was hoping for! BTW, how much cash does the baby have?

10:38:        Trudy’s not a gambler, “When you bet and lose you don’t double down! And don’t you dare ask Daddy for the money!” Clearly, fast-forward 40 years and Trudy’s not on the bus to Foxwoods.

10:39:        Metaphor of the season: Saved from the trash pile Don decides to analyze Picture #4 to make some sense out of its fractured proportions.

10:40:        Don rips out Dick’s confession and writes ad for NYTimes “Why I’m quitting tobacco.” Wait, is he lighting up as he’s writing?

10:41:        The ad heard round the world!

10:42:        Megan gets the ad, but Pete gives birth to a hissy.

10:43:        “You had a tantrum on a full page in the NY Times!”

10:44:        Ted Chaough’s phony-phone call, “Senator Kennedy calling!”

10:45:        Burt resigns: “You there! Get my shoes!” And Lane’s family’s back in NY—no chocolate bunnies for Easter!

10:46:        Megan strokes Dick, um I mean, Don’s ego. Playing the role of Harry Crane—Debbie Downer.

10:47:        Peggy gets to pick who gets fired! There’s an early bonus!

10:48:        Peggy & Don’s moment of equilibrium: Don wants Peggy’s opinion on his NYT ad and she says, “I thought you didn’t go for those shenanigans.” Peggy, you’ve arrived!

10:49:        COMMERCIAL BREAK

10:52:        Betty’s smoking—mad when she sees Sally running into the bushes with her ex-lover Glenn.

10:53:        Sally stands up to Betty. Seeds of rebellion have been planted and are firmly rooted.

10:54:        Dr. Faye’s company resigns from SCDP and now she and Don can have an open relationship.

10:55:        Dinner at La Caravelle? “Sure, have your girl make the arrangements.” Fayes cold eyeballs Megan—she’s not stupid!

10:56:        Peggy wants Dr. Fayes’ office mojo.

10:57:        Betty’s revenge on Sally—“Henry I want to move!”

10:58:        American Cancer liked Don’s ad. Public Service pro bono work!

10:59:        Roger’s classic line of the night: “I better go learn a bunch of people’s names before I fire them.”

11:00:        Don paid Pete’s nut? The price of loyalty, or that’s what it costs to have Pete keep his mouth shut about Dick!

11:01:        And there goes Denny. Bankers boxes and lots of tears.

CHINESE WALL OR, ROME IS BURNING EVERYBODY GET NAKED

"God I need a drink. Wait, I already have one."

10:01:                   Peggy’s “Situation” circa 1965.

10:02:                   Dig those mod-hair Ken short-shorts.

10:03:                   Cosgrove’s dinner with the in-laws interrupted by…

10:04:                   Lucky Strike strikes out…of SCDP.

10:05:         Am I watching “Mad Men” or “Bye Bye Birdie” with this telephone sequence. “Hey Kenny, Hey Petey. What’s the story? Morning glory? What’s the tale? Nightingale? Did you hear about Lucky Strikes leaving?”

10:06:         Post-mortem in post-modern…office. Nice play of Roger’s phone-y phone call to Lucky Strike.

10:07:         Bert needs a drink? BTW, what client does Bert have that he can even lose?

10:08:         Don’s drinking again!!!! Shut-up Faye—let him have a drink!

10:09:         Couch cuddling—eeewwww. He could’ve stayed with Betty and got that. Give us back the school teacher stealing, secretary screwing, downtown babe doing, Doris the waitress romping, the Jewess Department store heiress indiscriminately boffing, Plato’s retreat chomping, Don Draper!

10:10:         Pete, your wife’s in excruciating pain, your f-i-l is wearing green plaid pants, but there’s no need for you to waste your time—go on with your life. Love fil’s telling Pete to get a real job.

10:11:         Mod hair Ken stayed over and Peggy’s one sheet to the … she needs more sex???!!!!

10:12:         Roger in a hotel room all alone? Now that’s sad.

                   Commercial Break

10:16:         Staff meeting in hallway—never good news.

10:17:         Sexed up Peggy’s after sex glow gone when she stumbles in late to staff meeting.

10:18:         Any questions? No we can’t see the short guy with his hand raised. Everybody back to work.

10:19:         Peggy “Every time I have good sex something bad happens.”

10:20:         Roger’s big reveal to Joan.

10:21:         “Joanie, meet me at the Statler—I had to stay away from Midtown!”

10:22:         Mod hair Ken has C.O.D. for Playtex Peggy. It’s his c**k on delivery.

10:23:         Peggy’s oozing sexual energy and Stan takes the opportunity to imbibe in some office sexual harassment.

                   Commercial Break

10:27:         “PETE! WAKE UP!”

                   “When’s Lane coming back?” As soon as Poppy tells him he’s not grounded anymore and unchains him from the basement.

10:28:         “Listen, that little cowboy got you the CLIO!” Sorry, Don. Another one bites the dust.

10:29:         Don: “Make sure I don’t overdo it.”

                   Secretary: “It’s hard to tell with you.”

                   Don: “Don’t let me go past three. This is one.”

10:30:         Bert: “They should just cut it out of her!” (Bert’s guide to C-sections for Dummies.)

10:31:         Ted Chauogh trolling for talent in a maternity ward. “Here’s a tiffany rattle for your baby, oh yeah, and a rattle for your ego. We’ll make you full voting partner.”

10:32:         “I’m not Don. This isn’t the wild west.” Ted, you ignorant slut!

10:33:         Joanie: “Someone’s knockin’ at my door. Somebody’s ringin’ the bell.” No, it’s not Paul McCartney—it’s Roger in his Frank Sinatra “It’s a quarter to three, there’s no one in the bar, except you and me” hat!

10:34:         Roger to Joan: “So, um, the night we got mugged was the last time? And are those men’s pajamas what you wear to bed now?”

                   Commercial Break

10:38:         “Is this your third drink?” Megin—it’s eight o’clock and you haven’t been counting???

10:39:         Don wants Faye to drop names along with her skirt.

10:40:         Faye: “You want me to kill my business to save yours?” Um, yes. Yes I do.

10:41:         Stan: “You’re so horny I can smell it on your breath.” What????

                   Peggy: “Why do you keep making me reject you?” (I want that embroidered on a tee-shirt. Not that I’ve ever had to use it, but what fun!)

10:42:         Let’s go to a funeral to avoid our own funeral.

10:43:         Classic Roger: “Go chase a hearse!” And Pete’s spawned a girl!

10:44:         Eulogy for a dead ad-man. Stories to sit through that will make you wish you were dead.

10:45:         Sizing up potential clients at the funeral.

10:46:         Peggy pitches Playtex while client gets all tongue-weird over Peggy’s lipstick teeth.

                   Commercial Break

10:50:         Megin’s waiting for Don in the office.

10:51:         I think I know where the repast party’s going to be!

10:52:         Megin wants to climb the ladder—first climb onto the couch.

10:53:         Megin’s an English Major??? That explains why she’s a receptionist. (Caveat: I’m a recovering English Major.)

10:54:         Can I get a “Wah Wah!” Don’s back in the saddle (or on the sofa) having anonymous sex again! Whoa……..did Don just say “no?”

10:55:         Oh phew, close call….he’s back!

10:56:         “Sterling’s Gold” but Roger wants a divorce.

10:57:         Office Sex! Go Don!

10:58:         “Do you want to walk out of the office first with our clothes and hair all askew to let everyone know we had sex on your couch, or should I?” Oh shit, there’s serious Faye in Don’s hallway. What’s she doing? Writing a Dear Don letter on the back of his phone bill?

10:59:         DUMP HER DON! SHE’S KILLING ME!

11:00:         Don to Faye: “Do you want to stay? I’ll probably fall asleep because I’ve just had four drinks and mind blowing sex with my secretary. She really knows how to take dick-tation.”

                   Say kids, tune in next week for another swinging recap of Mad Men!