HANDS & KNEES, OR BABY DICK & CHOCOLATE BUNNIES

Pete & Don

10:01:        Roger & the drinking bird!

10:02:        Joan: “I’m late.”

Roger: “Have you had the rabbit test?”  (Now we’re getting into a great story line! Go writers!)

10:03:        Sally at Shea with the BEATLES! Don is the BEST Dad EVER!

10:04:        Lane with a Mickey Mouse & Balloons—oddly appropriate.

10:05:        Uh-oh Lane! Daddy-ums has come to take you home to your wife.

10:06:        Defense Department Contract! A little Viet Nam $$$. You can show bombs in the ads, just can’t say “bomb.” Harry the Whore is on his way to California, but no one knows why. I think Harry has a secret (& I think it has something to do with Sal—you heard it here first!)

10:07:        Lane’s 2 daddy’s at the Bunny Club. (Hey, was that Gloria Steinam in the background?)

10:08:        Bunny asks to see Lane’s key: “Is it borrowed?”

                   Whiskey sours for everyone! I’m in Lane!

10:09:        Lane’s got a sweet tooth for chocolate Bunnies, but Daddy doesn’t share that sweet tooth.

10:10:        “Goodfellas” comes to Connecticut. Feds come knocking on Betty’s door. When she asks them if she can get her cigarettes, is she really pulling a Karen Hill and flushing all the coke down the crapper?

10:11:        Betty swallows Dicks (real identity).

10:12:        Betty tells Don about the Feds and he starts to sweat. He’s as paranoid as Henry Hill who’s so coked out of his head he sees helicopters. Don’s Dick's showing.

  10:13:      Megin: “I filled it out & you signed it.”

                   Don: “I didn’t read it.”  Sure, blame it on the secretary.

10:14:        Dick’s head is throbbing—he needs a drink badly. He pours it, and…commercial break! No, No, No—we want to see Dick swallow it!

                   Commercial Break

10:17:        Lane loves Chocolate Bunnies at home!

10:18:        Ding Dong—Daddyum’s is here. Guess who’s coming to dinner?

10:19:        Here’s a twist—Roger & Joan visit the doctor instead of playing doctor. Oh, sure, send Joan to Jersey to bury the body.

10:20:        For smug Pete’s sake! Don needs to keep Dick in his pants.

10:21:        Roger: “Keep the baby, your husband will think it’s his.”

10:22:        Roger: “Joan, do you want me to come?” No, Roger, that’s how she got pregnant in the first place.

10:23:        Betty’s Bedroom Confession, or “I don’t want any secrets. (But man, do I have them!)”

10:24:        Pete: “I don’t have to live with your shit over my head.” No, he’s living with Dick over your head.

10:25:        Don’s going off the deep end—setting up a trust for the kids with access for Betty.

10:26:        Accountant: “Please tell me you’re schtooping that girl out there!”

                   Commercial Break

10:30:        Joanie in Jersey

10:31:        Woman in waiting room assumes Joan is there with her daughter. Joan complies with the lies.

10:32:        Don to Dr. Miller: “You’re not a real doctor.”

                   Dr. Miller: “No, but I play (like) one.”

10:33:        Roger’s only client dumps him. “It’s over. I’m sorry.”

10:34:        Roger’s panicking.

 10:35:       Roger: Ain’t too proud to beg sweet darling.”

10:36:        Nitro pills with a martini chaser!

10:37:        Don pulls a Karen Hill when Jimmy tells her to go take some dresses—he’s paranoid, shaking, and thinks the two men in the hallway are out to kill him.

10:38:        Don’s kneeling in the bathroom—not because of a bar bender, but because of mind bender.

                   Commercial Break (MadMen rip-off commercial—great, now I hate Klondike Bars.)

10: 42:       Daddy’s here! To Sir with Love.

10:43:        Lane’s Rebel with a Cause—watch out Lane—don’t piss him off—he’ll beat you with his cane!

10:44:        OMG!!!! Did Daddy just pull a Billy Bats on Lane???? And did he shoot his eye out with that cane? Lane looks like Ralphie in “A Christmas Story” when his glasses break on the ground.

                   “You’re coming home with me you petulant child. Get your house in order.”

10:45:        Pete in PJ’s watching Hazel!!!!

10:46:        Joanie on the bus. Did she do it? Did she do it?

10:47:        Faye, now  you tell Don you have valium????

10:48:        Don tells Faye about Dick.

10:49:        The truth will set you free; or throw you into prison.

10:50:        Don snuggling with Faye?? I think he’s in love.

                   Commercial Break

10:54:        Pete takes the fall to protect Don. Something tells me this will come back to haunt the show!

10:55:        Joan agrees with Roger that they avoided a tragedy, but which tragedy. The tragedy of having an abortion or the tragedy of not keeping the baby?      

                            

10:56:        Tense partner’s meeting.

10:57:        Did Roger try to say the “F” word????!!!! I heard the bleep.

10:58:        Amazing Lane’s father didn’t leave a scar on lane.

10:59:        Crisis Avoided!!!!!

11:00:        Beatles Tickets!!!! And crafty Megin caught Don's attention putting on her lipstick in profile. Don, I thought you were keeping Dick under wraps, you saucy boy!

BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, OR THE DEATH OF A SECRETARY AND SALLY’S REVENGE

RIP Mrs. Blankenship

10:01:        Somebody’s getting some afternoon delight!

10:02:        Talk dirty to me Don. “I have a meeting with Secor Laxatives.” (Um, I had something else in mind.)

10:03:        No after-sex shower for Don. He’s a manly man, but I love him too!

10:04:        Roger: “My book has mystery, intrigue, romance…Joanie, can I interest you in a ‘hard’ time?” God I LOVE you Roger!

10:05:        Don’t be sad, Joan. Your husband may have shipped out, but Roger’s getting ready to ship in.

10:06:        Don to petulant Peggy: “Come back, I’m taking a nap.” Poor petulant Peggy works through a sexless lunch to be scorned away. Peggy, you’re either a sadist or a masochist. I think you know which one you are. (Ida Blackenship-isms)

10:07:        Mrs. B’s daily inquiry to Don, “Are you going to the toilet?” (Because when you make that face at me it looks like you have to take an enormous crap.)

10:08:        The lesbian set up Peggy at PJ’s with a sour socialist. “Johnny Walker on the rocks!” more like an “Abe Sour” because even the bartender won’t listen to you.

10:09:        Two foreign masseuses at Joan’s door?! How come I never have one  masseuse, let alone two, ringing my bell?

10:10:        Introducing: The Village Voice and Southern boycotts-- brought to you by Abe, the socialist. (BTW, I thought Peggy was having an orgasm when Abe asked her if she worked on the Goldwater campaign.)

10:11:        “Maybe you should form a march for women?” Just give us a few years Abe. It’s coming with a vengeance! Sally will be the Grand Marshall!

                   Commercial Break

10:15:        Mrs. B & Bert Cooper doing the crossword like they’re in their living room.

BC: “What’s a 3 letter word for flying bird?

Mrs. B: “EMU”

BC:   “No, starts with an ‘L’.”

Mrs. B: “The hell it does.”

10:16:        Joan knows Roger sent the masseuse. “I was rubbing you the wrong way, so I wanted to rub you the right way.” (I’m here Roger! Send a masseuse to my house & you can rub me any way!)

10:17:        “Nuremberg on Madison Avenue?” Peggy, ditch the Sour Socialist!

10:18:        Is that Megan, Don’s ex-secretary? Look at Dry Don’s startled face! Sloppy drunk Don would’ve kept his poker face!

10:19:        Sally’s caught train hopping? BTW—great hair Sal!

10:20:        Stranger who found Sally on the train, “Men never know what’s going on.” Uh-oh, you just pissed off Don!

10:21:        Betty gives it (and Sally) to Don, “You need to learn responsibility. Enjoy Don; I’m dumping Sally with you until tomorrow when Henry & I go into the city for dinner.” Cold-Cut Betty!

                   Commercial Break

10:25:        Peggy shreds the Manifesto.

10:26:        MRS. BLANKENSHIP’S DEAD AT HER DESK!!!!! (There goes this season’s comic relief and Don’s foil. Not to mention the woman who fueled Roger’s jets in 1938!)

10:27:        Great Don response: “She had to die on my shift?”

                   Joan saves the day…again. “Get me a man and a blanket.” (I should try that line!) Afterthought, “Take Harry’s afghan.”

10:28:        OMG! Don’t let the clients see the dead secretary. OMG! Did you see the sideshow going on with Pete trying to lift Mrs. B. and instead pushing her afghan covered corpse down the hall as Harry yells, “My mother made that afghan!” Don’s expressions are priceless!

10:29:        Show the clients out the back door. Never let a dead secretary get in the way of business.

10:30:        Don: “Take my daughter to my apartment.”

                   Faye: “Really?”

                   Don: “I’d have my secretary do it but she’s dead.” You can’t get any better than that!

10:31:        Cancel all meetings we have to get rid of the dead secretary.

10:32:        Roger eulogizes his sexual mentor: “She died like she lived. Surrounded by the people she answered phones for.”

10:33:        Faye & Sally watching afternoon TV.

10:34:        Sally queries Don about Faye. Pre-pubescent manipulation in full swing.

                   Commercial Break

10:38:        Are those hardboiled eggs floating in Rogers Gimlet?

10:39:        Sally has Don all to herself.

10:40:        Enter Manhattan crimewave: A mugging at Gunpoint--Roger just gives over the goods.  

10:41:        A mug, a hug, and a tug…take off all your clothes and let’s do it in the alley!

10:42:        Sally’s already a downtown girl—she wants to live with Don.

10:43:        T.S. Draper’s back, but he’s dry.

10:44:        That’s no Mrs. Butterworth bottle Sally! French toast smothered in rum!!! Sally come live with me!

10:45:        Roger & Bert can write copy, but not an obit for their former paramour.

10:46:        Mrs. B’s born in 1898 in a barn & died on the 37^th floor of a skyscraper. “She’s an astronaut!” Bert, what the hell are you talking about???

10:47:        Awkward post-mugging-sex encounter between Roger & Joan. “I’m not sorry, but I’m married & so are you!” Go Joanie, but you & Roger are just beginning…again.

                   Commercial

10:50:        Megan’s back working for Don!!! More sexual tension!

10:51:        Cause of Mrs. B’s Death “Don Draper.” Love it!

10:52:        Peggy wants to get political with Filmore, but Don scolds, “We have to make men like Filmore Autos, not Filmore Autos like negroes.” Don, your white man world is about to crash and burn.

10: 53:       Sally reading Nancy Drew. “The Clue of How My Parents F’d Me Up So Much I Will Own My Own Rehab Facility After I Travel Cross Country in My Negro Boyfriend’s VW Bus and Experiment with Women.”

10:54:        Sally cracks Faye, “We don’t want your help!”

10:55:        Sally throws a temper tantrum as all the women come running to her aide. Funny how she clings to Megan. Don’t worry Sally, Woodstock’s coming!

10:56:        Enter Betty, the only woman not unnerved by Sally’s manipulations. Like daughter, like mother.

10:57:        Faye gives it to Don. “I feel like this was a test and I failed it.” (God Don, have a drink! These women are killing you!)

10:58:        Jesus what a mess. Or, Christ on a cracker!

10:59:        Drink Don, drink! Your secretary croaked in her chair, your daughter threw a tantrum in the hallway, your ex-wife wants to murder you, your old secretary is back and she packed her guilt—for goodness sakes man, have a drink!

11:00:        Three women in the elevator and an office full of boys.

MAD MEN RECAP: THE (SOBER) SUMMER MAN

I'm fine Roger. I'm kidding!

10:01:        Did a voiceover just say something about cutting back on drinking? Is this the right channel? Did I accidentally put on WE?

10:02:        Aqualung doing laps at the NYAC. Did Don just cough his lower intestines into lane 5?

10:03:        The Stones! If Don can’t get no satisfaction then every man in North America should just give up now.

10:04:        Tonight's guest stars are: Mrs. B’s cataract goggles and the vending machine.

10:05:        A bare-ass moon on AMC???? Poor Joanie, she can’t get no respect or satisfaction.

10:06:        Mrs. B’s booze cruise. Did Don just tell her to bring all that Canadian Club back to the storeroom???? I want to work at a place where there’s a storeroom full of booze!

10:07:        Joanie gives her husband some basic training of her own.

10:08:        Don’s Dinty Moore Dinner.

10:09:        T.S. Draper says “I sound like a girl.” Yes, sober Don, you do.

10:10:        Dear Diary, my goals are to: climb Kilimanjaro (just like Hemingway), and gain a modicum of control over the way I feel (just like my frustrated ex-wife Betty who shoots the neighbor’s birds to unwind.)

10:11:        Look at all that undrunk booze in Don’s office. I think I’m going to cry.

10:12:        Joanie’s back!

10:13:        Stan’s joke: “This guy’s balls are so big…” interrupted by Peggy cutting off Stan’s balls. (No joke.)

10:14:        Harry has Joey on his casting couch? Wait a minute! There can only be one Sal on Mad Men. Bring back Sal! Bring back Sal!

10:15:        Commercial Break. (Thank God, I need a drink!)

10:18:        Snap Betty! Is that Don and a mini-me? Poor Henry Draper, you’re in for it tonight!

10:19:        Don’s smiling. He hasn’t seen Betty yet.

10:20:        And there she is—the ice queen with her superpower icy stare focused on Don.

10:21:        “That’s my ex-wife, her husband, and some slob who's about to have the worst night of his life.” I can’t do that scene anymore justice than Don has.

10:22:        Betty’s bun’s in a knot.

10:23:        Betty chain smoking her fury away in the girl’s room.

10:24:        And then there’s Henry Draper scolding Betty, “You need a drink? You need a drink? What’re you a wino? You’re not allowed to say you need a drink." First of all, Henry, Betty drinks what appears to be giblets, and secondly, did you not read that she shoots her neighbor’s birds to unwind? She’ll shoot your ass if you keep it up.

10:25:        Did Betty Jr. just unbuckle Don’s pants? Whoa! That’s a hum…dinger.

10:26:        To be continued? And how come her lipstick isn't smudged?

10:27:        Commercial Break

10:29:        Dr. Faye in a phonebooth airing her dirty laundry. “I don’t cook!” Uh-oh. Looks like somebody read “The Feminine Mystique.”

10:30:        Henry’s trying to sneak out on Betty. Could the honeymoon be over?

10:31:        Henry may be able to crush Don’s boxes, but he can never crush his ghost.

10:32:        “Vodka and Mountain Dew is not a cocktail, it’s an emergency.”  (I'm having this printed onto tee-shirts!)

10:33:        "Boobs on the blotter." (The writing just keeps getting better and better!)

10:34:        Don’s dilemma: Canadian Club or coffee. Coffee? Coffee? Did he just tell Mrs. B to get him coffee??? Roger, where are you? We need an intervention! STAT!

10:35:        Commercial Break (Christ on a cracker, I need a drink!)

10:39:        Joan’s going to smash that vending machine over Joey’s head.

10:40:        Classic Joan line, “I can’t wait until next year when all of you are in Vietnam…And when you’re over there, in the jungle, and they’re shooting at you, remember you’re not dying for me. Because I never liked you.”    

10:41:        Peggy fire Joey or be the office tattle-tale.

10:42:        “You’re fired.” Go Peggy. Crush that boys club and ego!

10:43:        Joey explains his firing to the boys as, “The Power of the Poontang.” (Joey gave birth to the sexual harrassment industry. It's because of him you have to suffer through all those Human Resources training videos and sign those compliance forms.)

10:44:        Dr. Faye gives in to sober Don and says “yes” to dinner.

10:45:        Commercial Break

10:49:        Betty to Francine, “His date was all of 15!” (Ouch.)

10:50:        “He doesn’t get to have this family and that (Betty Jr.)” God, I’ve missed you Betty!

10:51:        “You’re a humorless bitch!” No Joan, that's Betty, not Peggy!)

10:52:        Henry mowing his own lawn? With a hand mower? Leave the boxes and run Don, run!

10:53:        Candle in a Chianti bottle! Screaming Romance!

10:54:        Faye’s father owns a candy store? What is he Louie Dumbrowski? Wait. Did she say he’s in the mob? Is Faye connected?

10:55:        Sober Don is whiny Don. Who wants to hear about how he’s not invited to his 2 year old’s birthday party??? Give me sloppy drunk Don who picks up waitresses from diners, not girlie Don!

10:56:        I don’t like Don’s feminine side. It’s killing me!

10:57:        Faye seducing Don? Did he just say “no?” Is this bizarro world???

10:58:        Don can’t go there right now?? Where’s the real Don Draper and what have you done with him????

10:59:        Aqualung is back, but he’s not coughing up any internal organs this time.

11:00:        Don crashes Gene’s birthday party! I love that he’s carrying a huge stuffed elephant under his arm since he’s the proverbial stuffed elephant in the room while Betty’s face goes all mad cow!

                   

THE SUITCASE: OR, IDA WAS A HELLCAT & BERT LOST HIS BALLS

10:03:        Cassius Clay vs. Liston (Um, wasn’t he Mohammed Ali by 1965?)

10:04:        Pre-fight steak & cocktails at The Palm (I’m in!)

10:05:        “If I wanted to see 2 negroes fight I’d throw a dollar

                   out my window.” (Oh, Mrs. B…)

10:06:        I’m glad you feel free to fail! (Thank you, Don.) And women

don’t buy luggage, Peggy! (Don your emotional luggage is overflowing!)

10:07:        Flowers and an (in)decent proposal from Duck: “Come on Peggy—you, me, and Tampax! The train’s leaving and I’m sauced!”

10:08:        Grey goosed Duck. And so does Peggy.

10:09:        “Peggy, I need you. And all your accounts!”

10:10:        “You got a call when you were on the toilet.” Oh, Mrs. B.

10:11:        Roger & The Brotherhood of Alcoholics? “We can solve this problem with a flask.”  I call Roger as my sponsor!

10:12:        Is Peggy wearing a pink construction paper birthday crown? Somebody grab me a bottle of Budweiser from her table.

10:13:        Trudy’s craps on Peggy’s birthday, “26 is still young.” Oh Trudy, you’re not only having a child—you’re married to one.

10:14:        Did you see Pete’s eyes freak out when Trudy and Peggy come out of the bathroom together?

10:15:        “Joan knew exactly what I needed and I got it.” Yes Don, you certainly did. We love Mrs. B!

10:16:        “Do you think elves do this?” Peggy wants to slap Don.

10:17:        Peggy’s boyfriend has a surprise on top of a surprise! You’re mother!

                   Commercial Break

10:21:        OMG! Roger hanging out with the AA crowd! “Freddie’s sponsor killed a guy with a motorboat! You know you get over something like that? You drink!”

10:22:        “Look out your window. Can you see me waving?” I love you Roger!

10:23:        “Goodnight Sweetheart.” Don, you do care about Roger!

10:24:        “Dammit Peggy I have your whole family here for a surprise dinner!”  (If any man said that to me I’d barricade myself in my office!)

10:25:        “By the way, your twenty-something years old. It’s time to get over birthdays!” Oh Don, what are you going to tell Peggy next? There’s no Santa Clause???

10:26:        Uh-Oh—Peggy’s mom’s pissed. “We’re all here—me, Anita, Jerry, the Roommate…”

10:27:        “You used my birthday to get in with people I can’t stand.” I feel your pain Peggy!

10:28:        “Here’s a blank piece of paper Don. Create another Glo-Coat.” Uh-oh, here we go Peggy.

10:29:        Don: There are no credits in commercials! I give you money, you give me ideas.

                   Peggy: You never say thank you!

                   Don: That’s what the money’s for! Every day you should thank me and Jesus Christ for giving you a chance!

                   (Christ on a cracker, Don. That’s harsh!)

10:30:        Crying in the bathroom at work. We’ve all been there at least once!

Commercial (Oh no. Hellman’s has fallen prey to Mad Men spin-off commercials? Lucky for these guys I like them more than I like Miracle Whip, so I’m sticking with Hellman’s. But I still hate these commercials!)

10:33:        Was that a mouse scurrying in Don’s office? Is Weiner going David Chase on us and sneaking in obscure mind bending symbolism? Please God, no!

10:34:        “Peggy get in here!”

                   “No (Don)!” Way to grow a pair Peggy! Oops, spoke too soon. There she is in Don’s office.

10:35:        Don found Roger’s memoir tape. WAIT! Roger bagged Ida Blackenship who was Burt Cooper’s secretary in 1938? She was perverse??? I need a drink!

10:36:        Ida was a hellcat and Burt lost his balls????

10:37:        There’s that damn mouse again. Oops, Don reveals to Peggy he grew up on a farm. You mean to tell me the mouse was a literary device used to get Don to open up to Peggy? I hope the mouse got SAG wages.

10:38:        Don takes Peggy to a diner for her birthday? We all know what happened the last time Don went to a diner—he brought the waitress home to give her a tip.

10:39:        “A man has to be ready to go at any moment.” And if he isn’t I’m sure his wife will help him.

10:40:        Did Don just jones Peggy’s French fries?

                   Commercial

10:44:        “Everybody thinks I slept with you to get the job.” Awkward silence. 

                   “It’s not that you’re not cute, you’re cute as hell.” And that’s why you won the CLIO, Don!

10:45:        “You don’t want to start giving me morality lessons, do you?”  I love Don—he just doesn’t care!

10:46:        Peggy hauling Don like a drunken sailor to the…men’s room???

10:47:        Don on his knees, Duck on a bender.

10:48:        DUCK! Wrong office! That’s Roger’s white post-modern couch you’re about to crap on.

10:49:        DUCK DON! Don swings and…misses! Did Don just say “Uncle?”

10:50:        Can you give me a drink? (Me too, I can use a drink!)

10:51:        Don cradled in Peggy’s lap? Is that in the job description?

10:52:        California Dreaming. Anna’s ghost is carrying a suitcase. What’s in that suitcase besides all of Don’s secrets? And by the way, is that a Samsonite?

                   Commercial

10:56:        Anna’s gone.

10:57:        Anna donates her body to science and Stephanie gets the house.

10:58:        Don opens his suitcase: “Somebody very close to me died. The only person in the world who really knew me.” Yes, Anna knew you were really a Dick, but I think Peggy knows you’re really a Dick too.

10:59:        Light’s on, Peggy’s out.

11:00:        If those bozos barged into my office and blew a whistle in my ear to wake me up on my office couch I would beat them with a Samsonite. Don’s fresh as a Daisy. How does he do it?

11:01:        “Why are you shitting on this?” No Don, that was Duck at about 3 in the morning.

11:02:        Open or closed? “Open.” The dawn of a new Don.