Okay kids, it’s time for another mad minute-by-minute Mad Men Recap of last night’s episode “The Chrysanthemum & The Sword” also known as “Shame, Blame and Gain,” or “Roger takes no Jap-Crap.”
10:01: What’s a 14-letter word for Don’s new secretary? MRS. BLANKENSHIP! (Dig that she does the NYT’s crossword puzzle in pen. Did you check out that snap on/flip up magnifying windshield attached to her tortoise shells?)
10:02: Carol of the Bells in Don’s office as Mrs. B can’t figure out phone system. Love Mrs. B’s retort to frustrated Don: “You’re always asleep in here!” Mrs. B’s classic Carol Burnett as Mrs. Wiggins intercom interruption while Don on phone with NYT “YOU HAVE A PARTNER’S LUNCHEON.”
10:03: More words that will never come out of my mouth spoken by Pete, “A Deerfield chum of mine wrote me up in the Asia Society…and wallah HONDA.”
10:04: Clash of the generations aka Release the Roger’s War Krackin “Let me spare you the agony and the ecstasy-No Jap Crap.”
10:05: Pete read “The Chrysanthemum & the Sword” and understands all things Japanese.
10:06: The babysitter, Harper Lee, brought a doctor kit???!!! WTF? Saucy Sally! Topcat! A T.V. tray! “Are you and daddy doing it?” Subtext: “It makes sense b/c Mommy was babysitting Glenn and they were doing it…” Sally explains it all to the babysitter.
10:07: To Kill a Hairdo: Sally’s in deep shit now. Let the rebellion begin!
10:08: Benihana with Betty Jr. “3 dates in 5 months think I don’t know why?” B/c Don’s not always a Dick. Enter bug-eyed Tom Delay, I mean, Ted Chaugh, the competition. (BTW, notice that all the men have great hair? Is balding an ‘80’s phenomenon?)
10:09: “He’s some fly I keep swatting away.”
10:10: “Do you know the RIVER of shit I’m going to get from her mother? Here, consider this severance.” (Read: “I’m through playing doctor with you sweetheart!”)
10:11: Betty crotch napping in screwdriver-hued living room. All that room needs is ice and I’m tipsy! Time to get up to slap and shame Sally—You have PICTURE DAY! FORGET YOUR SLEEP OVER (Please Sally forget that sleepover!)
10:12: Betty: “It’s like I’m leaving them with nobody!” Don: “Because you’re so good with them!” Henry, the Good Parent, the only adult present, the mediator.
10:13: Classic passive/aggressive Betty “God knows who he had watching them—another secretary? A WHORE?”
10:14: Confused Pete running out with a pot of Chrysanthemums. Deerfield taught him how to be a complete ass, but it certainly didn’t teach him reading comprehension—you read the book and now find out Chrysanthemums mean death? “So much conflicting information!”
10:15: SUBTITLES! I feel like I’m watching the ABC 4:30 afternoon movie during Japanese Monster Week--Mothra vs. Godzilla, or Roger vs. Honda minus the tiny twin Japanese singers, the Shobijin.
Even Joan’s breasts are in the subtitles! East meets West’s Breasts!
10:16: “I’ll trade your Johnny Walker for my Cantaloupe.” Pete, a boxed cantaloupe? And you must be real fun Christmas morning blabbing what’s in every wrapped box.
10:17: Enter pissed-off Roger. A Sterling Sayonara to Honda—“No Jap Crap!”
10:18: White men can’t bow.
10:19: Pete’s panties in a bind as he rages at Roger “Christ on a cracker!” (Punch him Roger!) Christ on a cracker????
10:20: Commercial Break: Clorox has great commercials!
10:22: Sally eyeing the Man from U.N.C.L.E. What girl (and future hairdresser) didn’t?
10:23: Uh-Oh enter slumber party host mom “Oh no you dih-ent!”
10:24: Creepy Betty sex interrupted by “Sally was playing with herself.” Words every mother longs to hear! (Note: Henry’s rocking some rocking biceps!)
10:25: Betty’s Guide to Effective Mothering “I’ll cut your fingers off!”
10:26: Betty’s mortified that people will find out. Somehow, I still think her bagging Glenn trumps Sally. Sally’s headed to a shrinky-dink.
10:27: Betty’s Big Reveal! “Henry, I saw a shrink. Let’s just say I was bored and leave it at that.” I’m bored my boss tells me to get to work.
10:28: Pete “This is a Margaret Dumont sized disaster!” Roger’s big-breasted pearl-wearing Margaret Dumont? I love it – who’s Groucho? Don? He’s got the “grouch” part down. Don as Groucho to Roger’s Margaret Dumont “I can see you drinking at the bar. Funny, I can’t see the bar.”
10:29: Roger’s act of contrition is rescinded when he discovers they got no Jap crap. (No gifts? No apology!) Pete’s retort “I’m expecting a child!” (No, you are a child!)
10:30: Don devises a dubious plan to get Chaugh to fall on the sword.
10:31: Commercial Break: Christ on a cracker! Another Mad Men-styled commercial. I now officially hate Klondike Bars!
Also add Chase Sapphire to the list of sponsors I will never support. America is unemployed and starving and we have to suffer through these bloated idiots flying first class with Chevy Chase? The token African-American couple makes me feel all warm and fuzzy about Chase.
10:35: Scenes from a bad marriage. Betty: “Sally was masturbating in front of a friend!” Don: “Boy or girl?”
10:36: Betty: “She understands a lot of things thanks to you!” Nice use of the “My sick sexual act-outs are okay because I’m married!” card.
10:37: THE PERPETUAL DRINKING BIRD! Apropos since everyone at SCDP is a perpetual drinker as noted minutes later by Dr. Faye: “I don’t know how you people drink around here like you do!” Because they’re all really thermodynamic plasticine birds bobbing their beaks in bourbon.
10:38: Don’s kamikaze plan—bankrupt Chaugh with smoke, mirrors and a little red Honda.
10:39: Don wheeling a red Honda in the office???!!! Let the scheme begin!
10:40: “Give me 20 different words for pimples!” Go Tom Delay; I mean Ted Chaugh! Way to boost office morale!
10:41: Peggy on the red Honda doing donuts on an empty white set. Very Wharholian.
10:42: Commercial Break: YAY! Fun Facts!
10:45: Dr. Faye Sake-less. (See Perpetual Drinking Bird reference at 10:37)
10:46: “Why does everyone need to talk to everyone about everything?” says Don as he spills to Dr. Faye.
10:47: “This is just a stop sign,” says Dr. Faye about her wedding ring. She’ll be in psychoanalysis before the decade ends.
10:48: I (heart) the way Don hisses “Ex-wife.”
10:49: Dr. Edna who looks like Joan in 30 years. Edna interested in Betty’s psyche. “My brother bought a nudist magazine and my mother nailed it to his bedroom door.”
10:50: “Sally’s punishing me!” All about Betty.
10:51: Betty books Sally 4 days a week with the shrink. Don’t worry Sally HELP’S on the way—the Beatles are coming to Shea in August!
10:52: Betty’s creepy gaze at dollhouse with the family of dolls perfectly poised on the patio furniture.
10:53: Commercial Break: Christ on a cracker, already? We just had a commercial break. Wait—it’s GEICO. I really (heart) them—they did just save me 50% in car insurance!
10:56: Don drops the A bomb on Honda—the Arrogant bomb. Read: “Here’s a personal check for $3000 from one dishonorable bastard to another! We both didn’t play by your own rules, but I’m Don Draper and you’re not.” Love the subtitle “Where’s the white hair?”
10:57: Roger loose-lipped, loose-tied, tying one on in his post-modern office.
10:58: “Since when is forgiveness a better quality than loyalty?” Go Roger!
10:59: Classic Mrs. B “YOUR DAUGHTER’S PSYCHIATRIST CALLED!” Eye-rolling Don “Lower your voice! Please…”
11:00: Don was the most charming princess? And Lane you bold bastard—you let Don? You don’t know that Don’s a Dick.
Quote of the night: “It’s a motorcycle with doors, but it has windows so you can see your brains splatter against it when it smashes.”
11:01: Betty can’t even bring Sally to her first appointment with Dr. Edna—Carla has to do it? That one session probably costs more than Carla makes in a month!
Stay tuned for another Mad Men Recap next week! Until then, nail a nudist magazine to your bedroom door! And try to score a crotch nap. It’s very refreshing.
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