Monday, September 6, 2010

THE SUITCASE: OR, IDA WAS A HELLCAT & BERT LOST HIS BALLS



10:03:        Cassius Clay vs. Liston (Um, wasn’t he Mohammed Ali by 1965?)

10:04:        Pre-fight steak & cocktails at The Palm (I’m in!)

10:05:        “If I wanted to see 2 negroes fight I’d throw a dollar
                   out my window.” (Oh, Mrs. B…)

10:06:        I’m glad you feel free to fail! (Thank you, Don.) And women
don’t buy luggage, Peggy! (Don your emotional luggage is overflowing!)

10:07:        Flowers and an (in)decent proposal from Duck: “Come on Peggy—you, me, and Tampax! The train’s leaving and I’m sauced!”

10:08:        Grey goosed Duck. And so does Peggy.

10:09:        “Peggy, I need you. And all your accounts!”

10:10:        “You got a call when you were on the toilet.” Oh, Mrs. B.

10:11:        Roger & The Brotherhood of Alcoholics? “We can solve this problem with a flask.”  I call Roger as my sponsor!

10:12:        Is Peggy wearing a pink construction paper birthday crown? Somebody grab me a bottle of Budweiser from her table.

10:13:        Trudy’s craps on Peggy’s birthday, “26 is still young.” Oh Trudy, you’re not only having a child—you’re married to one.

10:14:        Did you see Pete’s eyes freak out when Trudy and Peggy come out of the bathroom together?

10:15:        “Joan knew exactly what I needed and I got it.” Yes Don, you certainly did. We love Mrs. B!

10:16:        “Do you think elves do this?” Peggy wants to slap Don.

10:17:        Peggy’s boyfriend has a surprise on top of a surprise! You’re mother!

                   Commercial Break

10:21:        OMG! Roger hanging out with the AA crowd! “Freddie’s sponsor killed a guy with a motorboat! You know you get over something like that? You drink!”

10:22:        “Look out your window. Can you see me waving?” I love you Roger!

10:23:        “Goodnight Sweetheart.” Don, you do care about Roger!

10:24:        “Dammit Peggy I have your whole family here for a surprise dinner!”  (If any man said that to me I’d barricade myself in my office!)

10:25:        “By the way, your twenty-something years old. It’s time to get over birthdays!” Oh Don, what are you going to tell Peggy next? There’s no Santa Clause???

10:26:        Uh-Oh—Peggy’s mom’s pissed. “We’re all here—me, Anita, Jerry, the Roommate…”

10:27:        “You used my birthday to get in with people I can’t stand.” I feel your pain Peggy!

10:28:        “Here’s a blank piece of paper Don. Create another Glo-Coat.” Uh-oh, here we go Peggy.

10:29:        Don: There are no credits in commercials! I give you money, you give me ideas.
                   Peggy: You never say thank you!
                   Don: That’s what the money’s for! Every day you should thank me and Jesus Christ for giving you a chance!
                   (Christ on a cracker, Don. That’s harsh!)

10:30:        Crying in the bathroom at work. We’ve all been there at least once!

Commercial (Oh no. Hellman’s has fallen prey to Mad Men spin-off commercials? Lucky for these guys I like them more than I like Miracle Whip, so I’m sticking with Hellman’s. But I still hate these commercials!)
10:33:        Was that a mouse scurrying in Don’s office? Is Weiner going David Chase on us and sneaking in obscure mind bending symbolism? Please God, no!
10:34:        “Peggy get in here!”
                   “No (Don)!” Way to grow a pair Peggy! Oops, spoke too soon. There she is in Don’s office.
10:35:        Don found Roger’s memoir tape. WAIT! Roger bagged Ida Blackenship who was Burt Cooper’s secretary in 1938? She was perverse??? I need a drink!
10:36:        Ida was a hellcat and Burt lost his balls????
10:37:        There’s that damn mouse again. Oops, Don reveals to Peggy he grew up on a farm. You mean to tell me the mouse was a literary device used to get Don to open up to Peggy? I hope the mouse got SAG wages.
10:38:        Don takes Peggy to a diner for her birthday? We all know what happened the last time Don went to a diner—he brought the waitress home to give her a tip.
10:39:        “A man has to be ready to go at any moment.” And if he isn’t I’m sure his wife will help him.
10:40:        Did Don just jones Peggy’s French fries?
                   Commercial
10:44:        “Everybody thinks I slept with you to get the job.” Awkward silence. 
                   “It’s not that you’re not cute, you’re cute as hell.” And that’s why you won the CLIO, Don!
10:45:        “You don’t want to start giving me morality lessons, do you?”  I love Don—he just doesn’t care!
10:46:        Peggy hauling Don like a drunken sailor to the…men’s room???
10:47:        Don on his knees, Duck on a bender.
10:48:        DUCK! Wrong office! That’s Roger’s white post-modern couch you’re about to crap on.
10:49:        DUCK DON! Don swings and…misses! Did Don just say “Uncle?”
10:50:        Can you give me a drink? (Me too, I can use a drink!)
10:51:        Don cradled in Peggy’s lap? Is that in the job description?
10:52:        California Dreaming. Anna’s ghost is carrying a suitcase. What’s in that suitcase besides all of Don’s secrets? And by the way, is that a Samsonite?
                   Commercial
10:56:        Anna’s gone.
10:57:        Anna donates her body to science and Stephanie gets the house.
10:58:        Don opens his suitcase: “Somebody very close to me died. The only person in the world who really knew me.” Yes, Anna knew you were really a Dick, but I think Peggy knows you’re really a Dick too.
10:59:        Light’s on, Peggy’s out.
11:00:        If those bozos barged into my office and blew a whistle in my ear to wake me up on my office couch I would beat them with a Samsonite. Don’s fresh as a Daisy. How does he do it?
11:01:        “Why are you shitting on this?” No Don, that was Duck at about 3 in the morning.
11:02:        Open or closed? “Open.” The dawn of a new Don.

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