MAD MEN RECAP: THE (SOBER) SUMMER MAN

I'm fine Roger. I'm kidding!

10:01:        Did a voiceover just say something about cutting back on drinking? Is this the right channel? Did I accidentally put on WE?

10:02:        Aqualung doing laps at the NYAC. Did Don just cough his lower intestines into lane 5?

10:03:        The Stones! If Don can’t get no satisfaction then every man in North America should just give up now.

10:04:        Tonight's guest stars are: Mrs. B’s cataract goggles and the vending machine.

10:05:        A bare-ass moon on AMC???? Poor Joanie, she can’t get no respect or satisfaction.

10:06:        Mrs. B’s booze cruise. Did Don just tell her to bring all that Canadian Club back to the storeroom???? I want to work at a place where there’s a storeroom full of booze!

10:07:        Joanie gives her husband some basic training of her own.

10:08:        Don’s Dinty Moore Dinner.

10:09:        T.S. Draper says “I sound like a girl.” Yes, sober Don, you do.

10:10:        Dear Diary, my goals are to: climb Kilimanjaro (just like Hemingway), and gain a modicum of control over the way I feel (just like my frustrated ex-wife Betty who shoots the neighbor’s birds to unwind.)

10:11:        Look at all that undrunk booze in Don’s office. I think I’m going to cry.

10:12:        Joanie’s back!

10:13:        Stan’s joke: “This guy’s balls are so big…” interrupted by Peggy cutting off Stan’s balls. (No joke.)

10:14:        Harry has Joey on his casting couch? Wait a minute! There can only be one Sal on Mad Men. Bring back Sal! Bring back Sal!

10:15:        Commercial Break. (Thank God, I need a drink!)

10:18:        Snap Betty! Is that Don and a mini-me? Poor Henry Draper, you’re in for it tonight!

10:19:        Don’s smiling. He hasn’t seen Betty yet.

10:20:        And there she is—the ice queen with her superpower icy stare focused on Don.

10:21:        “That’s my ex-wife, her husband, and some slob who's about to have the worst night of his life.” I can’t do that scene anymore justice than Don has.

10:22:        Betty’s bun’s in a knot.

10:23:        Betty chain smoking her fury away in the girl’s room.

10:24:        And then there’s Henry Draper scolding Betty, “You need a drink? You need a drink? What’re you a wino? You’re not allowed to say you need a drink." First of all, Henry, Betty drinks what appears to be giblets, and secondly, did you not read that she shoots her neighbor’s birds to unwind? She’ll shoot your ass if you keep it up.

10:25:        Did Betty Jr. just unbuckle Don’s pants? Whoa! That’s a hum…dinger.

10:26:        To be continued? And how come her lipstick isn't smudged?

10:27:        Commercial Break

10:29:        Dr. Faye in a phonebooth airing her dirty laundry. “I don’t cook!” Uh-oh. Looks like somebody read “The Feminine Mystique.”

10:30:        Henry’s trying to sneak out on Betty. Could the honeymoon be over?

10:31:        Henry may be able to crush Don’s boxes, but he can never crush his ghost.

10:32:        “Vodka and Mountain Dew is not a cocktail, it’s an emergency.”  (I'm having this printed onto tee-shirts!)

10:33:        "Boobs on the blotter." (The writing just keeps getting better and better!)

10:34:        Don’s dilemma: Canadian Club or coffee. Coffee? Coffee? Did he just tell Mrs. B to get him coffee??? Roger, where are you? We need an intervention! STAT!

10:35:        Commercial Break (Christ on a cracker, I need a drink!)

10:39:        Joan’s going to smash that vending machine over Joey’s head.

10:40:        Classic Joan line, “I can’t wait until next year when all of you are in Vietnam…And when you’re over there, in the jungle, and they’re shooting at you, remember you’re not dying for me. Because I never liked you.”    

10:41:        Peggy fire Joey or be the office tattle-tale.

10:42:        “You’re fired.” Go Peggy. Crush that boys club and ego!

10:43:        Joey explains his firing to the boys as, “The Power of the Poontang.” (Joey gave birth to the sexual harrassment industry. It's because of him you have to suffer through all those Human Resources training videos and sign those compliance forms.)

10:44:        Dr. Faye gives in to sober Don and says “yes” to dinner.

10:45:        Commercial Break

10:49:        Betty to Francine, “His date was all of 15!” (Ouch.)

10:50:        “He doesn’t get to have this family and that (Betty Jr.)” God, I’ve missed you Betty!

10:51:        “You’re a humorless bitch!” No Joan, that's Betty, not Peggy!)

10:52:        Henry mowing his own lawn? With a hand mower? Leave the boxes and run Don, run!

10:53:        Candle in a Chianti bottle! Screaming Romance!

10:54:        Faye’s father owns a candy store? What is he Louie Dumbrowski? Wait. Did she say he’s in the mob? Is Faye connected?

10:55:        Sober Don is whiny Don. Who wants to hear about how he’s not invited to his 2 year old’s birthday party??? Give me sloppy drunk Don who picks up waitresses from diners, not girlie Don!

10:56:        I don’t like Don’s feminine side. It’s killing me!

10:57:        Faye seducing Don? Did he just say “no?” Is this bizarro world???

10:58:        Don can’t go there right now?? Where’s the real Don Draper and what have you done with him????

10:59:        Aqualung is back, but he’s not coughing up any internal organs this time.

11:00:        Don crashes Gene’s birthday party! I love that he’s carrying a huge stuffed elephant under his arm since he’s the proverbial stuffed elephant in the room while Betty’s face goes all mad cow!

                   

THE SUITCASE: OR, IDA WAS A HELLCAT & BERT LOST HIS BALLS

10:03:        Cassius Clay vs. Liston (Um, wasn’t he Mohammed Ali by 1965?)

10:04:        Pre-fight steak & cocktails at The Palm (I’m in!)

10:05:        “If I wanted to see 2 negroes fight I’d throw a dollar

                   out my window.” (Oh, Mrs. B…)

10:06:        I’m glad you feel free to fail! (Thank you, Don.) And women

don’t buy luggage, Peggy! (Don your emotional luggage is overflowing!)

10:07:        Flowers and an (in)decent proposal from Duck: “Come on Peggy—you, me, and Tampax! The train’s leaving and I’m sauced!”

10:08:        Grey goosed Duck. And so does Peggy.

10:09:        “Peggy, I need you. And all your accounts!”

10:10:        “You got a call when you were on the toilet.” Oh, Mrs. B.

10:11:        Roger & The Brotherhood of Alcoholics? “We can solve this problem with a flask.”  I call Roger as my sponsor!

10:12:        Is Peggy wearing a pink construction paper birthday crown? Somebody grab me a bottle of Budweiser from her table.

10:13:        Trudy’s craps on Peggy’s birthday, “26 is still young.” Oh Trudy, you’re not only having a child—you’re married to one.

10:14:        Did you see Pete’s eyes freak out when Trudy and Peggy come out of the bathroom together?

10:15:        “Joan knew exactly what I needed and I got it.” Yes Don, you certainly did. We love Mrs. B!

10:16:        “Do you think elves do this?” Peggy wants to slap Don.

10:17:        Peggy’s boyfriend has a surprise on top of a surprise! You’re mother!

                   Commercial Break

10:21:        OMG! Roger hanging out with the AA crowd! “Freddie’s sponsor killed a guy with a motorboat! You know you get over something like that? You drink!”

10:22:        “Look out your window. Can you see me waving?” I love you Roger!

10:23:        “Goodnight Sweetheart.” Don, you do care about Roger!

10:24:        “Dammit Peggy I have your whole family here for a surprise dinner!”  (If any man said that to me I’d barricade myself in my office!)

10:25:        “By the way, your twenty-something years old. It’s time to get over birthdays!” Oh Don, what are you going to tell Peggy next? There’s no Santa Clause???

10:26:        Uh-Oh—Peggy’s mom’s pissed. “We’re all here—me, Anita, Jerry, the Roommate…”

10:27:        “You used my birthday to get in with people I can’t stand.” I feel your pain Peggy!

10:28:        “Here’s a blank piece of paper Don. Create another Glo-Coat.” Uh-oh, here we go Peggy.

10:29:        Don: There are no credits in commercials! I give you money, you give me ideas.

                   Peggy: You never say thank you!

                   Don: That’s what the money’s for! Every day you should thank me and Jesus Christ for giving you a chance!

                   (Christ on a cracker, Don. That’s harsh!)

10:30:        Crying in the bathroom at work. We’ve all been there at least once!

Commercial (Oh no. Hellman’s has fallen prey to Mad Men spin-off commercials? Lucky for these guys I like them more than I like Miracle Whip, so I’m sticking with Hellman’s. But I still hate these commercials!)

10:33:        Was that a mouse scurrying in Don’s office? Is Weiner going David Chase on us and sneaking in obscure mind bending symbolism? Please God, no!

10:34:        “Peggy get in here!”

                   “No (Don)!” Way to grow a pair Peggy! Oops, spoke too soon. There she is in Don’s office.

10:35:        Don found Roger’s memoir tape. WAIT! Roger bagged Ida Blackenship who was Burt Cooper’s secretary in 1938? She was perverse??? I need a drink!

10:36:        Ida was a hellcat and Burt lost his balls????

10:37:        There’s that damn mouse again. Oops, Don reveals to Peggy he grew up on a farm. You mean to tell me the mouse was a literary device used to get Don to open up to Peggy? I hope the mouse got SAG wages.

10:38:        Don takes Peggy to a diner for her birthday? We all know what happened the last time Don went to a diner—he brought the waitress home to give her a tip.

10:39:        “A man has to be ready to go at any moment.” And if he isn’t I’m sure his wife will help him.

10:40:        Did Don just jones Peggy’s French fries?

                   Commercial

10:44:        “Everybody thinks I slept with you to get the job.” Awkward silence. 

                   “It’s not that you’re not cute, you’re cute as hell.” And that’s why you won the CLIO, Don!

10:45:        “You don’t want to start giving me morality lessons, do you?”  I love Don—he just doesn’t care!

10:46:        Peggy hauling Don like a drunken sailor to the…men’s room???

10:47:        Don on his knees, Duck on a bender.

10:48:        DUCK! Wrong office! That’s Roger’s white post-modern couch you’re about to crap on.

10:49:        DUCK DON! Don swings and…misses! Did Don just say “Uncle?”

10:50:        Can you give me a drink? (Me too, I can use a drink!)

10:51:        Don cradled in Peggy’s lap? Is that in the job description?

10:52:        California Dreaming. Anna’s ghost is carrying a suitcase. What’s in that suitcase besides all of Don’s secrets? And by the way, is that a Samsonite?

                   Commercial

10:56:        Anna’s gone.

10:57:        Anna donates her body to science and Stephanie gets the house.

10:58:        Don opens his suitcase: “Somebody very close to me died. The only person in the world who really knew me.” Yes, Anna knew you were really a Dick, but I think Peggy knows you’re really a Dick too.

10:59:        Light’s on, Peggy’s out.

11:00:        If those bozos barged into my office and blew a whistle in my ear to wake me up on my office couch I would beat them with a Samsonite. Don’s fresh as a Daisy. How does he do it?

11:01:        “Why are you shitting on this?” No Don, that was Duck at about 3 in the morning.

11:02:        Open or closed? “Open.” The dawn of a new Don.

MAD MEN RECAP: WALDORF STORIES (OR, THE TALE OF TWO DONS)

10:01:        Ambitious Boy Wonder Interview with Don & Peggy “Did I tell you I know Roger?”

10:02:        “Aspiration is as good as Perspiration” Don wants to beat you senseless Ambitious Boy Wonder!  

10:03:        Boy Wonder asks Mrs. Blankenship where to eat. “I don’t work for you!” Classic Mrs. B.

                   Don to Peggy, “Are we on Candid Camera?”

10:04:        “There’s no way he’s 24. I’m 25!” Yes Peggy, but honey you dress like your 55.

10:05:        Don’s nominated for a CLIO and Peggy’s underhandedly pissed since the ad was her baby. (Peggy stop giving your babies away.)

10:06:        Roger dictates his memoirs, “Charlie Chaplin was very lonely. Hardy was so mean to Laurel. Did I talk about silent films yet?” Is it titled “Death of an Ad Man” Roger! I WANT AN ADVANCED COPY!!!

Roger wants to know when his guy, Ambitious Boy Wonder, (a relative) starts. Don assures him, “The first of never!”

10:07:        Flashback to post-Dick neo-Don. Neo-Don sells furs and is almost giddy in his eagerness to please Roger.

                   Roger drapes a mink on his shoulders! Neo-Don Drapers his ambition on his sleeve.

10:08:        Neo-Don wants to work for Sterling Roger.

10:09:        Va-va-va-voom young ambitious Joanie! Neo-Don’s coloring book portfolio in the box, mink on the floor, Play-doh in Noah’s Ark.

10:10:        Joanie has the key to the mini-bar. Don: “Make mine simple but significant.” (I’m using that line the next time I belly up to a bar! I’ll either get a bourbon neat or thrown out by the bouncer.)

10:11:        Dippy new art director, Stan Rizzo, reeling chicks in with the KKK. “Why is it so hard for you to accept that man’s natural state is nude?”

                   Peggy: “Have you been yelled at by Don yet?” Great comeback Pegster!

10:12:        CLIO’s at the Waldorf.

                   Ted Chaough “Well, if it isn’t Pebbles & Bam Bam.” Love the cultural shout-outs, but who’s Pebbles—Don or Roger?

                   And thank you Roger for clarifying the spelling of Ted “Chaough” for all of us reviewers!

                   But Ted’s with (according to Roger) General Rufus T. Bullshit. But could Rufus possibly have known the real Don Draper???? This could signal a SNAFU for Dick-Don.

10:13:        Pete’s puss when he sees Cosgrove & Birdseye approaching. Joan counsels it’s better to get flies with honey. Pete “Oh great, actual flies!”

10:14:        Birdseye lets the cat out of the bag about Cosgrove moving to SCDP.

10:15:        “Judas Priest! Are we merging?” Another classic Pete-icism. This is right up there with “Christ on a cracker.”

                   Love how Don cuts Pete off, “Don’t talk to me!”

                   DUCK DRUNK!!!! HI DUCK! Did he just get escorted out?

10:16:        Pencils in the ceiling, Peggy in a pissy mood—Joan goes to the CLIOS but Peggy left out. “Don thought I was clapping for him.” “Who claps for themselves?” asks smug Stan.

10:17:        Award for Best Cleansers, Waxes, and Polishes: GLOW COAT. (Notice the ménage et trios hand holding between Don & Joan and Roger & Joan. Hmmm…)

                   Pete rips CLIO out of Don’s hand. LIFE CEREAL meeting—Donny likes it!

10:18:        Commercial Break: Fun Facts!

10:21:        Don—a CLIO in the hand is worth a bushel of drunken clients in the conference room.

10:22:        Roger’s inebriated victory run around the conference table!

10:23:        Don presents a….drunken mess. Who is this Don so giddy & confident that he just throws out slogans like he’s pitching baseballs.

10:24:        He swings and… “LIFE. The Cure for the Common Breakfast”…home run…the client’s like it, but uh-oh Don, that’s not your slogan to give away! I believe it was Ambitious Boy Wonder’s back at 10:01.

10:25:        Triumphant Don “Roger, I’m done. Let’s go!” But not before Don orders Peggy to lock herself and the creepy art director into a hotel room for inspiration on vapo-rub and cough drops.

10:26:        Cosgrove’s Return: “Approval Denied” by Partner Pete. (I can see the great set-up here!)

10:27:        Lane declares to Pete, “Roger Sterling’s a child!” (How dare you, you prig! What do you know anyway? You didn’t have a clue who Red Skelton was!) And Pete, you’re the child if you believe him.

10:28:        Lane redeems himself when he scolds Pete, “I’m lunching with Cosgrove on Monday. If you’re tantrums have subsided you’re welcome to join us.” Classic!

10:29:        Menage et trios at the bar—Don, Joan, & Roger. Don’s slurring!

10:30:        Faye doesn’t want to play doctor with Don.

10:31:        Commercial Break: Oh, here we go! The Mad Men-like commercials. Oh, I saw this one before—Breyer’s Ice Cream. I hate it more the second time around!

10:34:        Playboy, Sleazebag Stan, and Peggy

10:35:        Peggy calls a bluff, takes it off, and calls the game “You chickenshit!”

10:36:        Peggy bears it all.

10:37:        Joan to Roger, “You crossed the border from lubricated to morose.” Can’t anyone give Roger a break tonight?

10:38:        Flashback: Neo-Don stalking Sterling.

10:39:        “I’d do anything to buy you a drink.” Roger jumps at the offer to go drinking at 10am! Neo-Don just bought himself a drink and a job!

10:40:        Peggy’s on top. Her challenge gets a rise out of Stan.

10:41:        “You win the prize for the smuggest bitch in the world!” Bye-Bye nudie Stan man!

10:42:        Commercial Break: Fun Facts!

10:45:        Cleansers, Waxes & Polishes winner in bed with Jingle winner, who get’s Don to raise his flag with her hummer rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

10:46:        BETTY! Yay! And she’s pissed at Don! “Why would it matter to you that Henry & I had an important brunch to go to! And I can’t get Carla, she’s at church!” Poor Carla! She can’t even pray in peace.

10:47:        Wait, who’s this blond in bed with Don? Didn’t he fall asleep with a brunette? Wait that was Friday night and this is Sunday…Uh-oh—Weiner set-up: Don’s lost weekend. I have a feeling this is relevant!

10:48:        And I’m right. Didn’t Doris just call Don a Dick? What did he say to her in his drunken glee spree? And Dick in a Diner?

10:49:        The Breakfast of Champions: Canadian Club!

10:50:        Peggy tells Don he lifted the Life slogan from Roger’s Ambitious Boy Wonder.

10:51:        Peggy demands Don meet with ABW & fix it since she’s just spent the weekend locked in a hotel with a pig. (Don’s on overload.)

10:52:        Commercial Break

10:55:        Pete’s tantrum is not quite over. He wants to meet Cosgrove in the conference room.

10:56:        Don lost his CLIO! Tells Mrs. B: “Call Pen & Pencil and see if someone found my award.”

                   Mrs. B: “What’s the category?”

                   Don: “Best Actress.” Classic!

10:57:        Don bribes Ambitious Boy Wonder for his LIFE Cereal idea, but ABW draws line in the sand—he wants a job.

10:58:        Pete puts on his partner pants with Cosgrove. Look in Cosgrove’s eyes, “Game on Pete.” This is going to get good—I expect some classic Cosgrove-infused Pete tantrums.

10:59:        Don tells ABW “Go Away” after ABW forces Don to hire him. Scenes of Ambitious Neo-Don?

                   Roger to microphone, “I always liked chocolate, but my mother always gave me vanilla because it didn’t stain.”

                   Roger has Don’s CLIO which can only mean one thing—Don was drunker than Roger????

11:00:        Flashback: Don shows up to work reminding Roger he hired him when they went out for drinks. Roger has no memory. Sly Neo-Don—doing whatever it takes to work at the agency. Maybe Ambitious Boy Wonder might turn into the next Don Draper? Nah, but he’d add to the great comic relief the show is displaying this season!

Until next week kids, have a Mad Week!

MAD MEN RECAP--THE CHRYSANTHEMUM AND THE SWORD

Okay kids, it’s time for another mad minute-by-minute Mad Men Recap of last night’s episode “The Chrysanthemum & The Sword” also known as “Shame, Blame and Gain,” or “Roger takes no Jap-Crap.”

10:01:        What’s a 14-letter word for Don’s new secretary? MRS. BLANKENSHIP! (Dig that she does the NYT’s crossword puzzle in pen. Did you check out that snap on/flip up magnifying windshield attached to her tortoise shells?)

10:02:        Carol of the Bells in Don’s office as Mrs. B can’t figure out phone system. Love Mrs. B’s retort to frustrated Don: “You’re always asleep in here!” Mrs. B’s classic Carol Burnett as Mrs. Wiggins intercom interruption while Don on phone with NYT “YOU HAVE A PARTNER’S LUNCHEON.”

10:03:        More words that will never come out of my mouth spoken by Pete, “A Deerfield chum of mine wrote me up in the Asia Society…and wallah HONDA.”

10:04:        Clash of the generations aka Release the Roger’s War Krackin “Let me spare you the agony and the ecstasy-No Jap Crap.”

10:05:        Pete read “The Chrysanthemum & the Sword” and understands all things Japanese.  

10:06:        The babysitter, Harper Lee, brought a doctor kit???!!! WTF?  Saucy Sally! Topcat! A T.V. tray! “Are you and daddy doing it?” Subtext: “It makes sense b/c Mommy was babysitting Glenn and they were doing it…” Sally explains it all to the babysitter.

 10:07:       To Kill a Hairdo: Sally’s in deep shit now. Let the rebellion begin!

10:08:        Benihana with Betty Jr. “3 dates in 5 months think I don’t know why?” B/c Don’s not always a Dick. Enter bug-eyed Tom Delay, I mean, Ted Chaugh, the competition. (BTW, notice that all the men have great hair? Is balding an ‘80’s phenomenon?)

10:09:        “He’s some fly I keep swatting away.”

10:10:        “Do you know the RIVER of shit I’m going to get from her mother? Here, consider this severance.” (Read: “I’m through playing doctor with you sweetheart!”)

10:11:        Betty crotch napping in screwdriver-hued living room. All that room needs is ice and I’m tipsy! Time to get up to slap and shame Sally—You have PICTURE DAY! FORGET YOUR SLEEP OVER (Please Sally forget that sleepover!)

10:12:        Betty: “It’s like I’m leaving them with nobody!”  Don: “Because you’re so good with them!” Henry, the Good Parent, the only adult present, the mediator.

10:13:        Classic passive/aggressive Betty “God knows who he had watching them—another secretary? A WHORE?”

10:14:        Confused Pete running out with a pot of Chrysanthemums. Deerfield taught him how to be a complete ass, but it certainly didn’t teach him reading comprehension—you read the book and now find out Chrysanthemums mean death? “So much conflicting information!”

10:15:        SUBTITLES! I feel like I’m watching the ABC 4:30 afternoon movie during Japanese Monster Week--Mothra vs. Godzilla, or Roger vs. Honda minus the tiny twin Japanese singers, the Shobijin.

                   Even Joan’s breasts are in the subtitles! East meets West’s Breasts!

10:16:        “I’ll trade your Johnny Walker for my Cantaloupe.” Pete, a boxed cantaloupe? And you must be real fun Christmas morning blabbing what’s in every wrapped box.

10:17:        Enter pissed-off Roger. A Sterling Sayonara to Honda—“No Jap Crap!”

10:18:        White men can’t bow.

10:19:        Pete’s panties in a bind as he rages at Roger “Christ on a cracker!” (Punch him Roger!)  Christ on a cracker????

10:20:        Commercial Break: Clorox has great commercials!

10:22:        Sally eyeing the Man from U.N.C.L.E. What girl (and future hairdresser) didn’t?

10:23:        Uh-Oh enter slumber party host mom “Oh no you dih-ent!”

10:24:        Creepy Betty sex interrupted by “Sally was playing with herself.” Words every mother longs to hear! (Note: Henry’s rocking some rocking biceps!)

10:25:        Betty’s Guide to Effective Mothering “I’ll cut your fingers off!”

10:26:        Betty’s mortified that people will find out. Somehow, I still think her bagging Glenn trumps Sally. Sally’s headed to a shrinky-dink.

10:27:        Betty’s Big Reveal! “Henry, I saw a shrink. Let’s just say I was bored and leave it at that.” I’m bored my boss tells me to get to work.

10:28:        Pete “This is a Margaret Dumont sized disaster!” Roger’s big-breasted pearl-wearing Margaret Dumont? I love it – who’s Groucho? Don? He’s got the “grouch” part down. Don as Groucho to Roger’s Margaret Dumont “I can see you drinking at the bar. Funny, I can’t see the bar.”

10:29:        Roger’s act of contrition is rescinded when he discovers they got no Jap crap. (No gifts? No apology!) Pete’s retort “I’m expecting a child!” (No, you are a child!)

10:30:        Don devises a dubious plan to get Chaugh to fall on the sword.

10:31:        Commercial Break: Christ on a cracker! Another Mad Men-styled commercial. I now officially hate Klondike Bars!

                   Also add Chase Sapphire to the list of sponsors I will never support. America is unemployed and starving and we have to suffer through these bloated idiots flying first class with Chevy Chase? The token African-American couple makes me feel all warm and fuzzy about Chase.

10:35:        Scenes from a bad marriage. Betty: “Sally was masturbating in front of a friend!”      Don: “Boy or girl?”

10:36:        Betty: “She understands a lot of things thanks to you!”  Nice use of the “My sick sexual act-outs are okay because I’m married!” card.

10:37:        THE PERPETUAL DRINKING BIRD! Apropos since everyone at SCDP is a perpetual drinker as noted minutes later by Dr. Faye: “I don’t know how you people drink around here like you do!” Because they’re all really thermodynamic plasticine birds bobbing their beaks in bourbon.

10:38:        Don’s kamikaze plan—bankrupt Chaugh with smoke, mirrors and a little red Honda.

10:39:        Don wheeling a red Honda in the office???!!! Let the scheme begin!

10:40:        “Give me 20 different words for pimples!” Go Tom Delay; I mean Ted Chaugh! Way to boost office morale!

10:41:        Peggy on the red Honda doing donuts on an empty white set. Very Wharholian.

10:42:        Commercial Break: YAY! Fun Facts!

10:45:        Dr. Faye Sake-less. (See Perpetual Drinking Bird reference at 10:37)

10:46:        “Why does everyone need to talk to everyone about everything?” says Don as he spills to Dr. Faye.

10:47:        “This is just a stop sign,” says Dr. Faye about her wedding ring. She’ll be in psychoanalysis before the decade ends.

10:48:        I (heart) the way Don hisses “Ex-wife.”

10:49:        Dr. Edna who looks like Joan in 30 years. Edna interested in Betty’s psyche. “My brother bought a nudist magazine and my mother nailed it to his bedroom door.”

10:50:        “Sally’s punishing me!” All about Betty.

10:51:        Betty books Sally 4 days a week with the shrink. Don’t worry Sally HELP’S on the way—the Beatles are coming to Shea in August!

10:52:        Betty’s creepy gaze at dollhouse with the family of dolls perfectly poised on the patio furniture.

10:53:        Commercial Break: Christ on a cracker, already? We just had a commercial break. Wait—it’s GEICO. I really (heart) them—they did just save me 50% in car insurance!

10:56:        Don drops the A bomb on Honda—the Arrogant bomb. Read: “Here’s a personal check for $3000 from one dishonorable bastard to another! We both didn’t play by your own rules, but I’m Don Draper and you’re not.” Love the subtitle “Where’s the white hair?”

10:57:        Roger loose-lipped, loose-tied, tying one on in his post-modern office.

10:58:        “Since when is forgiveness a better quality than loyalty?” Go Roger!

10:59:        Classic Mrs. B “YOUR DAUGHTER’S PSYCHIATRIST CALLED!” Eye-rolling Don “Lower your voice! Please…”

11:00:        Don was the most charming princess? And Lane you bold bastard—you let Don? You don’t know that Don’s a Dick.

                   Quote of the night: “It’s a motorcycle with doors, but it has windows so you can see your brains splatter against it when it smashes.”

11:01:        Betty can’t even bring Sally to her first appointment with Dr. Edna—Carla has to do it? That one session probably costs more than Carla makes in a month!

                  

                   Stay tuned for another Mad Men Recap next week! Until then, nail a nudist magazine to your bedroom door! And try to score a crotch nap. It’s very refreshing.